i'm craig melvin and welcome to a very special night here in washington, d.c. it is, of course, the annual white house correspondents' dinner when we get to see the president of the united states play the part of stand-up comedian. >> my fellow americans. >> thank you and good evening. >> i really department waid not here tonight. >> i'm absolutely delighted to be here. >> that old joke. >> pause for laughter. >> washington and hollywood. >> this is no ordinary dinner. >> this dinner's gotten out of hand in recent years. >> this is so much cooler than the correspondents' dinner.

>> that was a joke. >> welcome to nerd prom. >> welcome to nerd prom indeed. here's the scene inside the washington hilton ballroom right now as we await president obama's appearance. there he is right there, looking pretty relaxed. this has become old hat for this president. tonight will be the sixth time he has done this. and to borrow the lingo from the comedy world, he has straight up ki8ed it in the past and odds-on favorite to do it again tonight. the person with the unenviable traffic of following the president tonight, there he is. his name is joel mchale looking pretty chummy with the first lady right there. he is going to face the toughest room in his comedy career tonight. it's a high-powered mix of hollywood glamour and d.c. power. the event brings together a-list stars from the world of entertainment invited to rub shoulders with politicians, pundits and the journalists who cover the president every day.

they are all looking forward to a good time. >> we had a blast last year. i thought it was a lot of fun. >> i can't wait to see joel mchale. i can't wait to see what he's going to do. i think he's going to be special. might be dangerous. >> i love seeing old friends from washington, and i always look forward to the president's speech. presidents tend to be really funny at these events. it's not a sight we often get to see. i'm looking forward to the president's speech. i hope it's funny. >> i love the first lady. every time i see her on television or report on her, i want to just talk to her. that would be somebody i'd love to sit down and have a conversation with. >> i think the president's the big one. when they shut down the entire city so you can drive in. i'm a little star struck. >> the table seating is -- you know, some politicians, some actors. it's an amazing mix, you know. and i think tonight i'm sitting with the head of the secret

service. so it will be very fun. >> nice. so you don't have anything to worry about. >> no. no. i will be very safe. >> they are off the red carpet right now. the crowd is seated, enjoying their fancy dinner right now. a pear salad with candied pecans and dried berries. the petite steak paired with an herb crackcake, an assortment of spring vegetables. for dessert, you ask? mousse lollipoped, dipped strawberries and other delectable treats. we do not know what wine they're serving tonight, but we can assume that the white house correspondents association bought it in bulk. this is a party. one that's gotten markedly bigger every year. and in about an hour, the main event, president obama, by day, leader of the free world, tonight, jokester in chief. this is, by the way, for those of you keeping score at home, the 100th annual white house core resporespond correspondents' dinner.

joining me here in washington, d.c., from "the national journal" and "e!" correspondent alicia quarles. good to know i'm not the only one who can't get a ticket. >> i had a ticket. i left there. >> let's talk about president obama because as savannah guthrie just said there, he has gotten really good at this thing by now. this is a little bit of his act from last year. >> of course, even after i've done all this, some folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they ask? really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. and look, call me self-centered, but i can think of one minority they could start with.

hello? >> here's the thing. we know that a lot of this is written by speechwriters, but you can tell that president obama has a hand in not just the writing but the delivery, the execution, the timing of it as well. >> oh, totally. you can write a hilarious joke, but especially that mitch mcconnell line. to deliver it with such perfect comedic timing and that second joke you played, he was chuckling. >> that's become a hallmark of this president. >> he's having a great time. >> he's known as mr. cool, so he delivers his lines, and he lets them sit a minute, then he chuckles. you don't see a lot of emotion from him, but on nights like this, he really lets it out. that's why it's always great. >> for our viewers at home, while we talk here, we're showing you pictures inside the washington hilton ballroom. alicia, you were just over there a few moments ago. what's the scene like tonight? >> people are festive. boy, oh, boy.

>> by festive, do you mean really drunk? >> i don't know. i've covered this for probably, what, the last eight years? everybody's in a good mood. bob schieffer came tonight with -- you're making me laugh. kimberly and brad paisley, the country stars. craig, you're no good. i was interviewing willie from "duck dynasty." >> the whole thing is an "snl" skit. >> willie was showing me his cufflinks he was given by the president last year. wolf blitzer was with diane lane, and he was the happiest man in town. jessica simpson made quite an entrance. sofia vergara was there. people are in really good moods this year. >> you mentioned some of the folks there. let's talk about some of the folks at different tables. at the nbc news table, we're proud of the fact we've got kevin hart this year. perhaps you've heard of him. he's quite the movie star these days. will.i.am, samantha powers. diane's there, too, two possible presidential rivals. governor chris christie and rick

perry. some jokes write themselves. cbs news julianna margulies, bill bratton, among others. who wins this face-off? who's got the best table based on what we just showed you there? you can be objective. >> obviously, nbc. let's be honest. come on. i had a backpack on. it was a backpack shaped like a diamond. i said what's in your backpack? he said, ideas, hopes and dreams. i think we have the best by far. >> ideas, hopes and dreams. >> that gets its own chair. >> that's it. >> you've covered these for a number of years as well. you've seen presidents get up and do their stand-up routine. over the past few years, who would you say -- which president would you say has probably done the best job, objectively? >> i don't know, i think president obama is really good at delivering jokes. and he's the first president that's really been the president since the white house has been able to deliver its message

unfettered in a way without having to go through traditional media channels. so they've really taken advantage of this outside of the correspondents' dinner. he has gone out and showcased his comedic talents on late-night shows. i'm thinking also between two ferns bit he did. >> yes. >> talking about obamacare. so he's had plenty of practice to be funny outside of these dinners. >> this is something that politico said about president obama's comedic style this week. it wrote, in part, quote, obama is much more likely to reserve his sharpest flashes of wit for his adversaries, antagonists and even for his wife. he invariably portrays as hectoring. it came back in 2011, i'm sure you remember this. president obama eviscerating the donald over the birther issue. take a look. take a listen. >> all kidding aside, obviously we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. for example, seriously, just

recently in an episode of "celebrity apprentice," at the steakhouse, the men's cooking team did not impress the judges from omaha steaks. and there was a lot of blame to go around, but you, mr. trump, recognize that the real problem was a lack of leadership. and so ultimately you didn't blame littlejohn or meatloaf. you fired gary busey. and these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. >> you know that he took great pleasure. he may have written that part himself. >> you know that if you're his adversary and you're in the room, he's going to gun for you. the thing is, trump got more and more upset. he let it show. >> oh, yeah. >> so then obama really went after him. so you've got to play it cool if you know he's going to come after you. >> do you think there's any danger in going after someone in that room too hard? too aggressively? >> totally. you have to be tactful and go

about it in a way where you don't come off as the bully. that's the thing about comedy is if you are coming at it from a position of power and you're making fun of those less powerful than you, you come off as a bully. but the way he's done it is he's trying to pick apart his critics and these people who are making arguments, and the birther joke is one that he does every year. he's really hoping he doesn't do this year. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of it. >> this year we'll get a number of obamacare jokes. >> totally. >> what other themes do you think we could expect? >> well, sterling. we've got to do that. and also barbara walters is there fresh off her interview. i talked to barbara about that. i said what was the most shocking thing? she says definitely that he called her bunny. with barbara in the house, fresh off that interview and sterling, that's going to happen. >> like many of his predecessors, he very much likes to get the celebrities in the room involved. here's president obama from 2010. >> the jonas brothers are here. they're out there somewhere.

sasha and malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. i have two words for you. predator drones. you will never see it coming. you think i'm joking. >> who are the obvious targets in the room tonight? >> ooh, that's a good one. >> "duck dynasty." >> that's right. we just saw him in his american flag bandana there, too. >> he and the president actually get along. literally he was wearing the cufflings the president gave him. what's going to be interesting is joel mchale. you don't want to ricky gervais is like at the golden globes. stephen colbert did that. >> 2006. >> press basically felt like the bush administration was stalling them and one thing you do not do, do not go after the first lady. >> that's a good rule.

>> i'm trying to think who else in that room would be an easy target. there are a number of folks in the room that just seem like they would be ripe, he sort of bombed in the room, but folks watching at home seem to think he did okay. >> that video went viral before viral was a thing. people are, like, what do i look this up on? what's says youtube? youtube.com? i mean, that video went viral because he not on went after the president and the administration, but also the media. and going after the media made a lot of people really uncomfortable in the room. but people around the country just loved it. >> there's our man, al roker, there you see on the other side of your screen, making the rounds. who else did you see over there tonight? >> well, obviously, besides all of our msnbc people, lupita

nyong'o. jessica simpson. sofia vergara. >> i'm always fascinated when i look at some of these pictures the day after. some of the conversations that are being had. like when you see, you know, for instance, you mentioned bob schieffer. what's bob schieffer talking about with a jessica simpson? >> i have no idea. it was amazing. it was willie from "duck dynasty" and brad paisley. >> they would have something in common, though. >> but also there is -- let's see here, senator mccain was there with his daughter, meghann. she looked really uptight. she said he doesn't like to come to these things, but i made him. >> he's been the butt of jokes over the last few years. >> eric holder is there. >> we are just getting started. we are very much plugged into the world of twitter. throughout the night, i'll be reading the wonderful things you're saying about our coverage. off the top, i said demi glace. apparently it sounded like i said demi glace.

our coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner continues ahead as every minute gets us closer to the big moment as president obama takes the stage. it is an annual rite of passage for every commander in chief. >> when celebrities, they want the press to join them tonight. >> hi, i'm al sharpton. you're watching the white house correspondents' dinner on msnbc. i got dressed up.

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bush. that was back in 2005. summing up the job of the president on this night, be funny. it will be president obama's turn to try that in just a short time. we are told he will be taking the stage. around 10:15, we say around because it has become our experience here that that's give or take, oh, about 30 minutes or so. so we will be here when president obama takes the stage. still here in washington, d.c., for our special coverage from "the national journal," "e!" correspondent alicia quarles who is slumming it tonight, ran over from the red carpet, made it known she skipped out on the dinner to spend time for us. >> you didn't tell me we were going black tie. >> i only put this on because earlier i had guests in tuxedo. >> you're full of it. you're getting ready for the msnbc party. >> president obama, let's get back to the man of the night, yes, president obama. the latest in a long line of presidents who has really sort of participated in this

modern-decor respondents' dinner that's televised and the elaborate speech. it's also important to note that up until a number of years ago, the comedian went before the president. all of a sudden president obama decided you know what? i'm going to start this thing off and now, of course, the comedian comes on. he's got huge shoes to fill. this is what bill clinton -- this is a bit that i'm sure any president can relate to. >> just imagine if today's press corps covered yesterday's wars. here are a few headlines. paul revere's warning: too little, too late. lincoln speaks at gettysburg: fails to articulate exit strategy. >> how would you compare president clinton's style to president obama's style? >> well, president clinton was

known for being pretty thin-skinned. and he and his jokes went after the press, after his critics. president obama also goes after his critics, but it's interesting, there have been a number of clinton documents that have been recently declassified, and some of the notes from the correspondents' dinner were part of that. and there was a joke where he went after the press, and then he wrote in the margin, "too harsh?" so he does -- >> i wonder what that joke was. >> whereas president george w. bush, he was very self-depreca e self-deprecating, not the greatest with words. >> yes. that was probably an understatement. president bush also spent a fair amount of time on these speeches bringing in others to help him as well. like this bit back in 2006. >> you want to talk about some serious issues such as -- >> okay. here it comes.

nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. >> nucular proliberation. all right. >> all right, maintain. be cool. let's give this a try. we must enhance noncompliance protocols. sanction not only at iaea formal sessions but through intercessional contact. >> we must enhance noncompliance protocols, sanction not only at eieio formal sessions but through intersexual conduct.

>> nailed it. >> say what you may about president bush. that takes a lot for the leader of the free world to stand there and openly mock himself. >> this clipper s personifies t difference between bush and clinton. i know y'all are laughing at me, but guess what? i'm laughing at me as well. this was at a time when the country was really divided and his latings were really low. people say he's not that bad. he's an okay guy. >> one of the things -- go ahead. >> i was going to say that was very savvy of bush to get in on the self-deprecating humor. will ferrell's impersonation endeared the president to a lot of people because it kind of humanized him even though it was very ridiculous. you even see politicians

whenever they make a gaffe or something, i'm thinking of senator marco rubio when he gave the state of the union response and made that slip. immediately after the water sip, he tweeted out a bottle of water with a hashtag #sta hashtahashtag #stateoftheunion response. >> you cover celebrities and there has been a fair amount of talk this year that a lot of the a-listers stayed at home. there is no kevin spacey. i mean, a lot of the folks who have come to this thing in years past didn't show up. is it because, as the hollywood reporter put it, i want to make sure i get this right, that they have come to feel that there's no limit to the number of people trying to fet photos and autographs, there's no way to hide from it. it's like the stars are animals in a cage. people go crazy when they see them. they act like a bunch of kids at the kids choice awards. >> that's a little dramatic. they are stars so they're used

to it. let's be honest. you're right. there are no clooneys, barbra streisand s, none of that this year. but we saw a rise in sport stars. i saw kareem abdul-jabbar, cam newton, tony romo. lindsey vonn. >> tony romo, he should be somewhere practicing. a quarterback's camp or something. >> craig. there's a shift, okay, craig? >> now i have to take a break. apparently i have offended our producer who's a cowboys fan. more of our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner ahead. president obama set to take the stage in about 45 minutes. the president likes to take aim at a few choice targets who are going to be in the room this year. >> michael steele is in the house tonight. or as he would say, in the heezy. what's up? >> i'm watching the white house

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and you are looking at live pictures right now from the 100th annual white house correspondents' dinner where in a few short moments president obama will be taking to the podium and take on the people who cover him all year long with some jovial jabs. i'm craig melvin coming to you live from washington, d.c., for our special coverage of the event that's become affectionately known as the nerd prom. after the president's remarks tonight comes the evening's entertainment. joel mchale who will step into the shoes of some of the funniest people in comedy who have all come to play one of the toughest rooms they've ever faced. >> i'm going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room. >> i feel like i'm dreaming. >> this is every comedian's dream. >> this is truly an honor. >> there's a gavel here, and i don't know why. >> it must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already is one. >> so what are the stakes for joel mchale tonight?

joining me again here in d.c., elahi, alicia quarles, political comedian, also columnist for the daily beast. thanks for being with me. >> nice to see you. thanks. and i wore the bow tie again like last year. >> yes, you always come in uniform. that's why we love you. >> thank you. >> we mentioned this a little earlier, dean, but perhaps the worst-received appearance at least in recent memory at this thing, stephen colbert back in 2006 where he had a lot to say about president george w. bush. here's a little bit of that. >> i stand by this man. i stand by this man because he stands for things. not only for things, he stands on things. things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. and that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to america, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

>> dean, is there a lesson for joel mchale in there? the lesson being that you can cut but don't cut too deep when you're talking to at least the leader of the free world? >> it is a difficult thing to navigate, to be quite honest with you because your job is to make fun of the president to some degree. it is a roast at the end of the day, it's a roast of the president and the media and everybody in washington, d.c. so you want the person to laugh. if you look at colbert's jokes on paper, and i read them recently, they're actually funny. it's because the audience, i think, became more uncomfortable than president bush who you guys talked about earlier actually had a great sense of laughing at himself. he had no problem with that whatsoever. i performed recently tonight at a dinner right before i came here. there was a congressman in the audience. you can't help but look at the congressman to see if they're laughing or not. i performed at an event not long ago and russell simmons was sitting in the front row. i wasn't making fun of him. out of the corner of your eye,

you see they're laughing. you need to be on board with what you're saying. >> but craig, he was making fun of them. >> i agree with you. i'm sorry? >> the reason that it fell so flat in the room is because he was making fun of the press. the press was very frustrated with the bush administration because they were not getting answers that they needed. he went into a whole shtick saying you guys are basically filing press releases. go make love to your wife, go on vacation. people got mad. >> this is colbert talking about some of our colleagues. >> let's review the rules. here's how it works. the president makes decisions. he's the decider. the press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. make, announce, type. just put them through a spell check and go home. get to know your family again. make love to your wife. write that novel you gottic cannican i kicking around in your head. you know the one about the inpred i washington reporter with the courage to stand up to

the administration. you know, fiction. >> sometimes the truth stings. >> frustration stings. you know what it's like when you've been dealing with administration you're trying to do a source and you're stonewalled. and then you go go to a dinner to have fun and somebody rubs it in your face, that hurts. >> after that, dean, the organization started to choose some less controversial acts for a few years, maybe nobody less controversial than jay leno back in 2010. here's a clip of jay. >> now, some of you in the news have mentioned the president has been getting a little gray since taking office. he's had his share of stress, tough economy, two wars, health care fight, iran, north korea, his mother-in-law moving in with him. i think that would break most men. >> all right. so dean, you go from colbert's biting commentary -- >> right. >> -- to a mother-in-law joke. is that what you call an overcorrection? is there a danger for the performer in being too soft? >> it's a great point because i think audiences and the media

want to see those biting jokes. those are the ones that tend to get the sound bite the next day that are on the monday morning shows when they show, like, seth meyers famously destroying donald trump. i mean, those are the jokes that we all talked about. kind of like your mother-in-law, a generic joke about relationships or life. that doesn't pull people. it might make them laugh a little bit. i think that's memorable. i think with joel mchale, if anything from "talk soup" is an indication, a lot of snark. some could be good sound bites for tomorrow morning's shows. >> the comedians who seem to be best received at these events also seem to be the ones who touch on a president's least controversial and most well-known personal foibles. this is cedric the entertainer back in 2005. >> they said the president wanted to talk to me. i got a call from, you know, the president. i said, is this the president? like yeah, this is george bush. i'm, like, all right, what's your middle name? he said "w."

i knew i had my man, you know. >> does the president really enjoy getting ribbed for 45 minutes? >> i mean, does anyone really enjoy it? it can be fun to be roasted. >> yeah. >> but if you are savvy, you're going to laugh along. and i remember, i think it was two years ago when the president or the comedian was going after chris christie at the dinner about his weight. and the camera went on chris christie, and it was just stone cold. >> he wasn't laughing. >> he was not laughing. and really, you have to laugh along. i think that's really the best way to go about it. >> we should note here, chris christie at the dinner tonight, sitting at a table with texas governor rick perry. i mean, again, like i said earlier, there's some jokes that just write themselves. what were you about to say, dean? go ahead. >> we talk about -- i mentioned trump before, and what she was saying is true, but it was about trump, too. remember with seth meyers and president obama attacking trump?

and trump would not laugh at all. he smiled a little during president obama's jokes. but after seth's jokes, he wouldn't laugh. and he lashed out at seth calling him a stutterer. and at that time trump was talking about running for president. i think that's one of those moments that if anyone took him seriously, when you see that, is that the kind of demeanor as a person who would be president, leader of the free world, where it's constant criticism from both the left and right regardless of the president. i think that said a lot about the man. you have to be able to laugh at yourself. it's important. it's endearing. it makes people like you. >> these are the moments that i enjoy most, by the way. here you have the attorney general of the united states, eric holder. having some sort of secret whispered in his ear by arianna huffington. i want to read the articles tomorrow. and we never see these articles. someone listening in. like what are they talking about? what are they saying, you know? >> lori david was with sheryl crow a few years ago and they approached karl rove.

she wrote all about it in the huffington. he got upset. he snatched his arm away, got mad. you don't know what goes on in there. it's exciting. >> a lot of these celebrities end up going to the dinner because they have pet causes. because they have causes they want to talk about and push. perhaps part of the reason we're seeing less star power this year as opposed to last year is last year was right after the election where you had a lot of big-name celebrities who were big donors. >> that's right. >> who had raised a lot of money and the mood in the room, everyone was really excited. whereas this year, people aren't so jazzed up about midterms, i guess. >> dean, let's talk about joel mchale here for a second. we know him, obviously. >> sure. >> he's on "community." he's had a show over on "e!" for a decade called "the soup," wildly popular. but he is not really that well known for his stand-up comedy. was his selection a bit of a surprise to you? >> it was. and in fact, earlier today, i was looking on youtube to find some stand-up clips of him, and there's not a lot of stand-up. he's not known in the same vein as people in the past from jon

stewart who did it years ago, jay leno, of course. conan o'brien, while a talk show host, still is a comedian on some level. you know, joel is snarky. it's funny. it's cutting. it's more pop culture. the guy knows about the kardashians. he said in an interview, you know, i don't talk about politics that much. so i thought it was a very interesting, odd choice. and then today i hear he's being rumored to replace ferguson on cbs. maybe it's all a part of a plan we're not privy so. >> if you look at everybody else who has hosted it, they're solidified, but they don't appeal to the younger generation. joel mchale admits he gets his news from buzzfeed, not necessarily from the networks. i think it's smart bring in somebody young and different and shake it up. >> this is their attempt to go yuck and hip. >> he's 42. he does appeal to a younger generation. >> i'm looking over to the monitor to see if we can recognize some folks there. it's unusual to me because when

i go to dinner, i like to sit and eat. you know? >> oh, come on. you eat before you go to this thing. >> right. >> and to see everyone standing up. and i haven't been probably in three or four years. that was the last dinner that i went to. even then i was struck at the number of people that are, like, to heck with sitting down and eating. they want to work the room. and they spend the evening doing just that. >> 2,600 people are there there. the who's who in politics. when do you have time to eat with that many people? >> we are getting closer now. go ahead, dean. go ahead. >> and as the comedian, you don't want to go on while they're serving dinner. i can tell that you. you cannot compete with food. i found that out many times. you can't compete with salad. >> as a comedian, you also don't want to go on when the crowd is sober either. we are getting closer to president obama. he is set to take the stage in just a few minutes here. there commander in chief to

comedian in chief. coming up, some targets that he may go after again. >> in my first term, we repealed the policy known as don't ask, don't tell. wait, though. in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as it's raining men. in my first term, we passed health care reform. in my second term, i guess i'll pass it again.

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word. we can tell that you they are just a few minutes behind there at the washington hilton inside the ballroom. they've given out some awards. folks are starting to get in place, as you see there. when it happens, of course, we will have that for you live. president obama's speech. joel mchale after him. right now i want to talk about two things that make us especially intrigued about tonight. "house of cards" and "scandal," two of the biggest shows out right now. both have the allure of washington. all the drama, all the pressure, all the suspense. and they'll both play out in real life tonight at the white house correspondents' dinner. chris witherspoon sat down with tony goldwyn. he attended the president's dinner for the first time last year. he talked about what that was like. >> i didn't get to meet the president last year. hopefully i will this year. darn it. i'm stalking him. the dinner was so much fun last year. you know, truly, there are just

so many brilliant people that live and work in this community. part of the fun of being here is it seems so crazy, really. i mean, this confluence of hollywood and washington and this mutual fascination that we have for each other. you know, for me, i've always been enamored, you know, kind of obsessed and fascinated by washington and how it works. and you know, a news junkie and a political junkie kind of in awe of some of the people that work here because i think they're so brilliant and understand the world in a way that i never will. it's so gratifying to be a part of a show that we love doing so much, as we do "scandal" and the group of people that we have together and how passionate we are about it that it resonates with the public in that way is incredible. to have people chase me down the street because they love phipps so they must have a picture with the president, that's just a testament to what chanda rimes has created and the group of

people she's put together to tell these stories. >> back here in washington, d.c., elahe and alicia. also, political comedian, columnist for the daily beast. president grant there, president underwood was here last year. what has, alicia, what shows like "house of cards," shows like "scandal," what have those shows done for the perception of washington, d.c., and the perception of politics, in general? >> they bring glamour to it. so you keep hearing it this is called the nerd prom, but suddenly you see these tv shows bringing sexy to washington, and also the president and first lady will say they're fans of shows like they are "homeland." i talked with tony earlier today from "scandal." he said he wept to the west wing yesterday. it was a trip when he's seen it on the set for so long. >> kevin spacey was all the rage last year. he's not here this year. he's apparently out on tour. i did spend time with michael

kelly who plays chief of staff on that show. there's some questions, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, there's some question about whether kelly's character is going to be coming back next season. but he said to me earlier that he gets all kind of geeked out about being here for -- and you wouldn't think that an a-list actor would get so stoked about hanging out with politicians. most of whom, as you know, are not very exciting. >> i mean, as someone who's in the halls of the capitol every day when congress is in session, i'm quite surprised at how geeked out they get about it because -- but then again, this is our world, and we're just used to being around it. it's kind of this interesting, like, funhouse mirror. hollywood's looking at d.c. d.c. is looking at hollywood, and we're fascinated by what's usually normal to us. it is pretty interesting to just watch it. >> for those of you watching "orange is the new black," they were giddy. >> love laverne cox.

>> exactly. she was so excited. they were absolutely giddy. i couldn't believe it. i said why are you so excited for this? they go, we're at the dinner. we've made it. that's how people feel. >> that's how define it. dean, we'll get to you right after this. our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner continues ahead. we're going to look at some of the topics you'll undoubtedly hearing a lot about tonight. >> but my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. and if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. did you get my e-mail? [ man ] i did.

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never identified himself as a maverick. and we all know what happens in arizona when you don't have id. adios amigos. >> president obama in 2010 taking aim at one of his favorite targets through the years, senator mccain. but mccain is not the only person taking hits tonight when president obama takes to the podium. of course we'll have that live for you on msnbc. joining me, e correspondent alic alicia quarrels. and there is one quell in the president's coimmediatic arsenal that she's gone to again and again. take a look and a listen. >> this next provision is called the jersey shoreup. the follow people may be

excluded. snooki, jay wow, the situation and house minority leader john boehner. in the next hundred days or bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even john boehner will consider becoming a democrat. after all we have a lot in common. he is a person of color, although not a color that appears in the natural world. >> he could barely get through that one himself. too easy or, i mean, is boehner a sure fire laugh every day and twice on sunday? >> sure. it's fine. and also he says in an endearing way, it's not an attack like some of the slams. we've seen obama do smackdowns. that's not what it's like with john boehner. i think you'll see obama joke at

the republican's expense at hitting the obamacare numbers that he wanted. why not the koch brothers. i think you'll see something about the republican infighting, maybe rand paul jokes, chris christie, ted cruz. who knows what they'll say. i think you're going to see that and pop culture. george clooney got engaged. maybe you'll see a george clooney joke. >> i'm surprised that governor chris christi is there tonight rnlts you got to play. >> some of the characters that are going no get some fire, let's talking about 0 topics here, nsa, irs. >> government shut jodown.

>> agreed. >> and also like you said, he will give a shout out to george clooney who was defending his honor recently. in the past he's gone after ted cruz and michelle batchman. everything is open. >> he's not taken a hands off approach. >> what does he have to lose now. it is 2014. they want the democratic base to come out but he's not up for reelection. last year you saw an attitude, a very celebratory because he's coming off of a win. me might have a little bit of that left in him with obamacare. >> obamacare will certainly be a theme. what were you about to say, deen? >> don't forget, a couple of years ago he got in trouble about doing a drone joke, about the jonas brothers if you go after my draught i have two words for you, predator drone. he got a lot of flack for that.

in fact the fox news anchor said yesterday, president obama should not do any jokes about bengha benghazi. >> all right. we're going to squeeze in one more break here. we've gotten word that president obama is close. so we want to take a quick commercial break. we have lots of bills here at msnbc. we're going to squeeze in one more. when we come back we expect president obama to take to the podium after the dinner. we're going to look at some of the hottest bashes in town tonight. >> i keep hearing how everyone is excited to go to the bloomberg party. you know how i know i'm not in new york? in new york, no one is excited to go to a bloomberg party. [ fe] there's a gap out there. ♪

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some republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions and that's ridiculous. there aren't a few secret provisions in the health care plan. there are like hundreds.

>> again, president obama from 2010. we are about to see what he has up his sleeve for this year's appearance at the president's correspondent' dinner. thank you for joining us for the special coverage of the 100th annual -- 100 years they've been doing this. just moments from now, there will be a toast to the president and then we will get to the moment that we've all been waiting for, president obama taking his shot at stand-up comedian again. that of course follow bid the real comedian who has to follow that up this year is going to be joel mchale. he's going to be in the hot seat and we're going to bring it to you live on msnbc. continuing with me as we wait for mr. obama here in washington, my guests. this is how things kicked off at last year's dinner. >> it must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already

is one. democrats, republicans, the white house, congress. you all came together the to make this spoof. that's what real bipartisanship looks like. i may lie cheat and intimidate what i want but at least i get the job done. so i hope some of you were taking notes. have a wonderful evening and i'll see all of you at the bloomberg vanity fair party. and mr. president, welcome to nerd prom. >> south carolina's most famous politician right there. any buzz at this point about which show might do something like this show. u would imagine the 'scandal" folks have been working on something. >> the president took flack for the number of videos leerst las

>> one thing, was looking at the guest list for celebrities. there are seven cast members from "scandal" that are going to be at the dinner tonight. perhaps there will be a "scandal" video but that's the biggest cast of any show at the din tore night. and i think you know what we touched on before, the toughest job in show business, following the president of the united states who kills coimmediate cli and then a comedian to follow that. i think joel mchale is going to have a challenge that we haven't seen in the last few years. you've had conan o'brien, seth meyers. i don't think they're going to be rude to him but last year, conan o'brien started slow, hit his spritride and then killed himself. it might be challenging for

mchale. >> one of the things that makes this particular gig so difficult, besides, ochk, following the president, the acoustics of the room, that's not a room that's really conducive to getting a lot of laughs. is that correct?? >> it's a huge room. the you play a room like that -- i've had a few shows in the middle east where we've had two or three thousand people come out. this is a dinner event. i just performed at a political dinner event before i came here. it's not the same acoustics. the political people there, the elected officials, they become the celebrities. i did an event for 70 people a few months ago and you could see everyone's face. and on some level that's a little more pressure than not seeing anyone's faces. when nancy pelosi walked in, i watched her, if she laughing or

not. if 50% laugh at a joke, that's a thousand people laughing. >> joel said he's going in there to be funny. also, he took an academic approach to this. he called several of the former hosts of the white house correspondents' dinner. he spoke to them. don't under estimate joel mchale. >> he called craig ferguson, conan. >> he had lunch with conan or one of the previous hosts. >> joel is really smart. he's used to doing this quit hits on "the soup". >> it sounds like you think he's going to be fine. >> he's very, very quick. he's not taking this lightly. don't underestimate him. >> i wish him the best. he should have reached out to me on twitter. i would be be available to give him some comments. i hope it goes well. i think as a comedian

objectively tonight is especially challenging because she's not as well known as some of the past comedians. >> i want to attempt to describe what's happening right now before the president gets up in that room. there are a lot of speeches and there are a number of awards that are given out as well. that is what we're watching. rest assured that we are listening and when something important happens we will of course bring the audio up full for you. in 2005, that's when president bush gave up his time for a very good reason and it brought down the house. >> ladies and gentlemen, i've been attending these dinners for years and just quietly sitting there. well, i've got a few things i want to say for a change. george always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners.

bolog bologna. he's usually in bed by now. i'm not kidding. i said to him the other day, george, if you really want to end tear any in the world you're going to have to stay up later. >> president obama, if he really wanted to bring down the house, he calls up michelle obama. that's something we haven't seen just yet. >> totalltotally. the dinner itself has come under criticism increasingly each year that it doesn't focus on the press, honoring the press who it's sposed to be honoring. right now the speeches are to give different awards to the journalists and scholarships as well. >> what are the other knocks. one of our fearless leaders here at the peacock, a couple of eyes ago he criticized the dinner and basically his criticism is here

you have the press core who is supposed to be covering the president, covering the president agressively, covering the administration aggressively and all of the sudden you get together and you're bringing in all of these a-list celebrities, b-list celebrities and it's turned into a side show of sorts. is there this is dinner that's devolved in some way? how do you respond to that criticism that it's very difficult to cover an administration aggressively and do this as well? >> well, i mean, i think it's pret tu fair to say that this administration is a very difficult one to cover when you're on the hill it's a little different because there are 535 of them. there are a lot of people to talk to. i think it's also important to know who's actually in the room. it's not only journalists. a lot media organizations are bringing their sources as well

and that's really what the dinner originated as. it's a way to be together in an inforgnat environment. >> how did it turn into this? >> actually in the late '80s, a baltimore sun brought a guest and that became a spectacle and from there it turned into something else. >> it went downhill and we got lindsay lohan sitting next to kim kardashian. >> guess what, the affordable care act number of registrants went up. a ton of actors were on congress yesterday testifying. >> can we bring up the audio for a second? hang on a second, deen. >> sure. [ applause ] >> it will be hard to see but i

want to direct your attention to the middle of the room, table 10 h. i want to introduce you to hairy's son, chairman mcal upon. >> this sherman mcalpin. right now this is a standing ovation for the first black member of the white house press core. he was denied entry into the white house correspondent association. he was denied entry because of his race. so he couldn't attend white house press conferences. he certainly couldn't go to dinners like this. franklin dell nor rooz vemt allowed him into the briefing room. he was never admitted to the association. tonight, though, as they celebrate their 100th anniversary, what you're seeing

right now is the group honoring him by naming a scholarship after him. michelle obama on hand to present the first harry mcalpin scholarship. we should note here there was a time when women were also not allowed into the white house correspondents' association. they certainly wouldn't be at this dinner as well. >> i was going the say helen thomas was the first female member of the white house press core who broke down the barrier. this particular journalist actually tried to use his white house press pass which he did receive. he tried to use that to go cover congress and he was not admitted to the capitol to do that. this is a remarkable moment where we're seeing the 100th year of this dinner, the country's first black president and we're seeing this honor being given to this journalist. >> he passed away in the mid '80s. he was the first african

american to ask a question to the president of the united states in a press conference. >> we're going to pause for a moment. this has to be a highlight, i would imagine. this is one of those lifetime highlights for a lot of the young people getting the scholarships. they get to meet president obama and probably a bigger deal for a few of them, michelle obama on hand who is looking stunning and radiant as ever. i want to talk about that dress. >> let's do it. >> president obama expected to speak in just a few moments at the washington hilton. when that happens we will of course bring it to you live right here on msnbc. we grow new beginnings, and better endings. grand gestures, happier happy hours. so let's gro something greater with miracle-gro. what will you grow?

and welcome back to our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner tonight. we're here in the studio and deen is joining us from down in

miami, florida. let's talk about michelle obama, alicia quarrels. that's a heck of a dress. >> ask and you shall receive. >> who is she wearing? >> funny you should ask me that. she's wearing mar kay so. i just interviewed the two designer yesterday. they're all about empowering women. she's married to harvey weinstein and har vi is in the audience tonight. beautiful choice. >> she's done a great deal not just for young women in terms of -- we can play this game all night whether you're talking about fitness or self worth, whether you're talking about perception. i mean what she's done for the world of fashion -- >> huge. >> yes. >> she wore that jason wu dress and put him on the map. she was coming to new york city to cut the ribbon at the gala

and that's why you so many fashionable people tonight. i interviewed a ton of models. the fashion community loves her because she's all about american designers. >> i recognized three of the people you mentioned there. go ahead, deen. >> what about, what am i wearing, alicia, can you guess that? >> you're wearing a very weird bow tie. >> thank you very much. i don't know who makes the dresses but she looks fabulous. and the one time i got to meet her -- >> deen, i got to cut you off here. that is steve toma. he's president of the white house correspondents' association. he's going to welcome the first lady and now he's toasting president obama. >> finally for me i'd like to introduce the president of the united states by introducing the

vice president of the united stat states. >> hello? >> selena, what are you doing? >> oh, god. i thought you were the president. hey, listen, are you going to the dinner tonight? >> no, i'm not goingman, i've been there once. it's a bunch of politicians trying to explain politic to hollywood. i's not wort it. >> exactly. who wants to see david gregory crying in the corner all night. do you want to come and pick me up? ♪ >> yellow? seriously? yellow? >> get in the car.

>> oh -- this is the west wing. oh, it's locked. god -- >> just check for me. >> no. i'm going to remember that. yeah. >> shhhh. whoa, no. don't touch the desk. don't touch the desk. >> okay. >> come on, let's get out of here and get something to eat. >> yeah. >> this is good. >> my granddaughters like the sprinkles. >> it is like the sweetest thing you can get in the executive branch. >> hey, guys. what are you doing? >> nothing. >> what's in your mouth. >> carrots. >> don't tell jill. >> haven't you guys listened to anything i've said about healthy eating? hand it over. just hand it over. you guys, come on, let's move.

>> okay. okay. >> busted. >> say that again. >> this looks good. mmmmm. >> i just forgot my purse, so -- >> i'm sure there are raisins in here. it's a fruit. plus it's more than they give you at that correspondents' dinner. let me tell you. plus, i work out every day. >> sure you do. i do too. >> you want to arm wrestle. >> i don't really work out. >> yeah, i didn't think so. >> so where are we headed next? we can write any headline we want? >> knock yourself out. go for it. >> the headline i would like to write is selena myer sworn in as president. only if good time. yes, we can all look directly

into the camera, kevin, the point is you're not supposed to. ♪ ♪ >> oh. >> hey selena, hi joe. >> what are you doing here? >> getting my tattoo done. you know the difference between a tattoo and the koch brothers? >> no. >> they're both painful but you can get rid of a tattoo. >> ah. all right. let's do it. >> i'm in. ♪ >> bring it on. >> oh yeah, bring it on.

>> hey, girl. >> hey, jay dog, are you going to this dinner thing tonight? hell, no. i'm not going there. got important things going on here in the capitol. >> all right. thanks. you know what, joe, i'm going to need to go to the dinner. you see, the thing is, i'm not really the vp, but you are. i'm an actress from hollywood. >> i know. >> so can you give me a ride? >> hey, the secret service doesn't let me drive off the property. >> that makes no sense. >> you can get a cab. >> yeah. i got my dress and this hair. thanks a million, joe. >> good luck. ♪

♪ [ applause ] ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states. >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you. thank you so much. everybody please have a seat. have a seat. before i get started, can we get the new presidential setup out

here? ♪ [ applause ] >> it's worked before. that's more like it. it is great to be back. what a year, huh? i usually start these dinners with a few self deprecating jokes. after my stellar year 2013, what could i possibly talk about. i admit it. last year was rough. sheesh. at one point things got so bad the 37% called mitt romney to apologize. of course, we rolled out health

care.gov. that could have gone better. in 2008 my slogan was yes, we can. in 2013 my slogan was control-alt-delete. on if plus said they turned the launch of health care.gov into one of the year's biggest movies. but, rather than dwell on the past, i would like to pivot to this dinner. let's welcome our headliner this evening, joel mchale. [ applause ] on community joel plays a self

obsessed nargs cysnarcissist. so this dinner must be a real change of pace for you. i want to thank the white house correspondents' association for hosting us tonight. i am happy to be here even though i am jet-lagged from my trip to malaysia. the lengths we have to go to get cnn coverage these days. [ applause ] i think they're still searching for their table. msnbc is here. they're a little overwhelmed. they've never seen an audience this big before.

but, look, everybody is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast changeding media landscape. for example, i got a lot of grief on cable news for promoting obamacare to young people on "between two ferns" but that's what young people like to watch and to be fair i'm not the first person on television between two potted plants. [ applause ] sometimes i do feel disrespected by you reporters, but that's okay. seattle sea hawk corner back richard sherman is here tonight and he gave me, he gave me some great tips on how to handle it. jake tapper, don't you ever talk about me like that!

i'm the best president in the game! what do you think, richard, was that good? a little more feeling next time? while we're talking sports, just last month a wonderful story, an american won the boston marathon for the first time in 30 years. [ applause ] which was inspiring and only fair since a kenyan has been president for the last six. [ applause ] had to even things out. we have some other athletes here tonight, including olympic snowboarding gold medalist, jamey anderson is here. we're proud of her.

incredibly talented young lady. michelle and i watch the olympics. death defying feets. haven't seen someone pull a 180 that fast until rand paul disinvited that nevada rancher from that dinner. as a general rule, things don't end well if the sentence starts, let me tell you something i know about the negro. you don't really need to know the rest of it. just a tip for you. don't start your sentence that way.

speaking of rand paul, colorado legalized marijuana this year, an interesting social experiment. i do hope it doesn't lead to a whole lot of pair nod people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. that would be a problem. and speaking of conservative heros, the koch brothers bought a table here tonight, but as usual, they used a shadowry right wing organization as a front. hello, fox news. i'm just kidding. let's face it, fox, you'll miss me when i'm gone. it will be harder to convince

the american people that hillary was born in kenya. a lot of us really are concerned about the way big money is influencing our politics. i remember when a super pac was just me buying marl lore ro 100s instead of regulars. of course now that it's 2014, washington is obsessed on the mid terms, folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don't really want me campaigning with them. and i don't think that's true, although i did notice the other day that sasha needed a speaker at career day and she invited bill clinton. i was a little hurt by that.

both sides are doing whatever it takes to win. it's a ruthless game. republicans -- this is a true story. republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women. this is true. and i don't know if it will work with women, but i understand that american's teenage boys are signing up to run for the senate in droves. anyway, while you guys focus on the horse race, i'm going to do what i do. i'm going to be focused on everyday americans. just yesterday i read a heartbreaking letter. you know i get letters from folks around the country every day. i get ten that i read. this one got to me. a virginia man who has been stuck in the same part time job for years, no respect from his boss, no chance to get ahead.

i really wish eric cantor would stop writing me. you can just pick up the phone, eric. and i'm feeling sorry, believe it or not, for the speaker of the house as well. these days the house republicans actually give john boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange real will is the new black. but i have not given up the idea of working with congress. in fact, two weeks ago senator ted cruz and i, we got a bill

done together. and i have to say the signing ceremony was something special. got a picture of it, i think. look, i know. washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. gridlock has gotten so bad in this town, you have to wonder, what did we do to piss off chris christie so bad? one issue were for example, we haven't been able to agree on is unemployment insurance. republicans continue to refuse to extend it. you know what? i am beginning to think they've got a point. if you want to get paid while not working, you should have to

run for congress just like everybody else. [ applause ] of course there is one thing that keeps republicans busy. they have tried more than 50 times to repeal obamacare. despite that, 8 million people signed up for health care in the first open enrollment. [ applause ] which does lead one to ask, how well does obamacare have to work before you don't want to repeal it? what if everybody's cholesterol drops to 120? what if your yearly checkup came with ticket to a clippers game? not the old don sterling clippers, the new oprah clippers. would that be good enough? what if it gave mitch mcconnell a pulse? what is it going to take?

[ laughter ] anyway, this year i've promised to use more executive actions to get things done without congress. my critics call this the imperial presidency. the truth is, i just show up every day at my office and do my job. got a picture of this, i think. you would think they'd appreciate amore assertive approach considering the new conservative darling is none o than vladimir putin. last year pat buchanan said putin is headed straight for the nobel peace prize. i know it sounds crazy but to be fair, they give to to just about

anybody these days. so it could happen. rudy giuliani said putin is what you called a leader. mike huckabee keeps talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird. look it up. they talk about it a lot. it is strange to think that i have just two and a half years left in this office. everywhere i look there are reminders that i only hold this job temporarily. but, it's a long time between now and 2016 open anything can happen. you may have heard the other day, hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press

conference. i love that picture. regardless of what happens, i've run my last campaign and i'm beginning to think about my legacy. some of you know mayor emmanuelle recently announced he's naming a high school after me in chicago. which is extremely humbling. rick perry who is here tonight is doing the same thing in texas. take a look. thank you, rick. means a lot to me. and i intend to enjoy all the free time that i will have. george w. bush took uf painting after he left office which inspired me to take up my own

artist artistic site. i'm sure we've got a shot of this. maybe not. the joke doesn't work without the slide. oh, well. assume that it was funny. does this happen to you, joel? it does. okay. on a more serious note, tonight reminds us that we really are lucky to live in a country where reporters get to give the head of state a hard time on a daily basis and then once a year give him or her the chance at least to try to return the favor. but we also know that not every journalist or photographer or crew member is so fortunate because even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe, like ukraine and afghanistan and syria and egypt

who risk everything, in some cases even give their lives to report the news. and what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chan chance to ask a question. an african american who wanted to cover his or her president might be banned from their cool and once in washington banned from press conferences. but after years of effort, black editors and publishers began peeth with fdr's press secretary and then they met with the president himself to get the black reporter a credential. when he made history as the first after dan american to attend a press news conference, he wasn't always welcomed by the other reporters but he was welcomed by the president who told him i'm glad to see you mr.

mcal pin and i'm glad to have you here. he made history and we're so proud of sherman and his family for being here tonight and the washington correspondents' association for creating the scholarship in harry's name. [ applause ] for over 100 years, even as the white house correspondents' association told the story of america's progress, you've lived it too, gradually allowing equal access to women, minorities and gays. and radio reporters as well. through it all you've helped make sure that even as societies change, our fundamental commitment between those who govern and those who ask questions doesn't change. and as jay will attest, it's a legacy you carry on

enthusiastically every single day. and because this is the 100th anniversary of the correspondents' association, i actually recorded an additional brief video thanking all of you for your hard work. can we run the video? >> congratulations. >> what's going on? i was told this was work. does anybody know how to fix this? oh, thank you. you got it? >> i got this. i see it all the time. there. that should work. >> congratulation to the white house correspondents' association, here's to 100 more terrific years. >> thank you very much, everybody. god bless you. [ applause ] and god bless america and thank you kathleen sebelius.

[ applause ] >> president obama there going about 20 minutes, leaving virtually no political stone unturned there in the washington hilton ballroom ending with kathleen sebelius, the of course immediate past head of the health and human services administration. wow. that was pretty doggone funny. what did you think? >> yeah, my favorite joke out of all of that was the orange is the new black joke. that was really on point. >> let's listen in to joel and we'll talk about it after this. >> all right, everybody. here we go. i am the last person standing between you and your after party. in just an hour and 15 minutes you'll be walking out of here all right? i'm going to break jay leno's record tonight. strap in. here we go. good evening mr. president or as

paul ryan refer to as an inner city minority relying on the federal government to feed and house your family. i'm a big fan of president obama. i think he's one of the all-time great presidents. definitely in the top 50. please explain that to jessica simpson. you're right. that was low. all right. how about the president's performance tonight, everyone? [ applause ] it is, it's amazing that you can still bring it with fresh hilarious material and my favorite bit of yours was when you said you would close the detention facility at gan tan no bay. that was a classic. hilarious. hilarious. still going. i'd like to take a moment to recognize the first lady, mrs. obama, you have been very kind to me and my family, especially when you showed us all how to

tear a phone book in half with your bare hands. that was incredible. i'd also like to thank the white house correspondents' association for having me and for not being able to book jimmy fallon. that's true. all right. look. i know it's been a long night but i promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like chris christie's presidential bid. i got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up, governor christie. excuse me, extender buckle up. oh. i deserve that. i agree on that one. you're right on. now allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. my name is joel mchale. i'm on an nbc show called "community." [ applause ] that's exactly what i thought. i also host a show called "the

soup" which is on the e! netwo network. e is the channel that your deeply closeted gay son likes to watch. democrats, it's the same channel that your happy openly gay son likes to watch. e is also home to the kardashians who, believe it or not, are republicans. and i know that because they're always trying to screw black people. yep. now just the men. okay. it's an honor to be here tonight at the washington hilton. i'm tingling with excitement. or maybe that's just the bed bugs. i hope you all enjoyed your dinner. the filet tonight was grass fed beef freshly dragged off the

bundy ranch. the steaks are tasty once you pull off the tiny white hoods. oh, you like him. let the record show. tonight's show is being broadcast on c-span. c-span is like one of those pair normal activity movies. interrupted by images of people you're pretty sure died a few years ago. yeah. oh, and stay tuned after the correspondents' dinner for an all new episode of krerks span's hit show, so you think you can remain conscious. very competitive. this is the 100th year of the white house correspondents' association. yes, 100 years ago cnn was only searching for the wright brothers' plane. it's true. and the correspondents' dinner itself is a tradition dating

back to 1920. back then this event was only for men. it's true. and there's a plaque in the lobby commemorating this as the location of the very first ever total sausage fest. #totalsausagefest. now america is truly a land of diversity. om here would you find a black president, a soon to be hispanic majority and all 19 nationalities contained within huffington's accent. it wes ooh genuine thrill to be here in washington, d.c., the city that started the whole crack smoking mayor craze. you guys were the first. [ applause ] i hope he's not here tonight. people say that toronto mayor rob ford is a clumsy mess but he

can't help it. he's a big guy, like a bull in a crack pipe shop. between rob ford and justin bieber and ted cruz, you want to tell canada, hey, we lax. we already have a florida. ted cruz proposed a government shutdown to protest the affordable care act and everyone else in congress decided to go along with it simply to get some time away from ted cruz. the tea party is anti-socialism and anti-immigration, so it makes sense that their hero is a cuban from canada. poignant. that was one poignant. the vice president isn't here tonight not for security reasons, he just thought this event was being held at the dulles airport applebee's. yes, right now joe is elbow deep in jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone he thinks is john boehner.

also true. it's crazy to think that joe biden is only one heartbeat away from no one taking him seriously as president. sorry for that one. biden will likely be running for president in 2016 saying, and i quote, there's no obvious reason not to. he talks about his motivation for a presidential run as if he's deciding to finish a meat ball hogi. it's there isn't it, if the bread is toasty and the cheese is warm, i'm going to finish this thing. jill, bring me the bib, no, not that one, the fancy one. hillary clinton has a lot going for her as a candidate. as our first female president,

we could pay her 30% less. that's a saving this country could use. who's with me? hillary's daughter chelsea is pregnant which means in nine months we will officially have a sequel to bad grandpa. it also raises the question, when the baby is born, do you give bill clinton a cigar? you guys sound like you're on a roller coaster right now. there's a heated race on the republican side. they're all vowing to see who will win over the gop base and more importantly who gets to apply turtle wax to sheldon's rascal scooter. jeb bush says he's thinking about running. wow, another bush might be in the white house. is it already time for our every ten years surprise party for

ir iraq? yes. as it stands right now, the republican presidential nominee will either be jeb bush, rand paul or a bag of flour with ronald reagan's face drawn on it. bag of flour. people are asking will donald trump run again and the answer is, does that thing on his head crap in the woods? i actually don't know. i don't know. i don't know if that thing on his head has a die guess tif system. chris christie is here tonight. he's actually here tonight. you are a gluten for punishment. chris christie his

administration canceled the train tunnel to manhattan, they're closing the pulaski sky way and blocked the george washington bridge. finally a politician willing to stand up to america's commuters. governor, do you want bridge jokes or size jokes. i can go half and half. i know you like a combo platter. i'm sorry for that joke, governor christie. i didn't know i was going to tell i but i take full responsibility for it. whoever wrote it will be fired. but the buck stops here. so i will be a man and own up to it just as soon as i get to the bottom of how it happened, because i was unaware it happened until just now. i'm appointing a blue ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke i just told and if i find any wrongdoing on my part i assure you i will be dealt with. i just looked into it, it turns out i'm not responsible for it. justice has been served.

[ applause ] he's going to kill me. mr. president, you're no strarpg to criticism. ted new gent could you a subhuman mon grol. it's questions like that that make me wonder, can we take a guy like that seriously anymore. your approval rating slipped and even worse, you've only got two stars on yelp. mitch mcconnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. mitch within congrats on being two years away from realizing your goal. you did it, kind of. mr. president, your harshest

critics compared you to adolf hitler, joseph stallen and even satan. those comparisons are outrageous. you look way older than those guys. morgan freeman has played a president a couple of times. doesn't mean you have to look exactly like him. but you are healthy. every year the doctor checks the president's colon for poll. s and george clooney's head. yeah. it's good to see that white house press secretary and boy detective jay carney is here. it's a big night for jay. i haven't seen him this nervous until the president told him, just go out there and tell them the website is proek. they'll understand. that actually probably was a

moment. mr. president, you have to admit, and you already have, the launch of health care.gov was a disaster. it was so bad, it was bad. look, i don't even have an analogy because the website is now the thing people use to describe other bad thing. they say stuff like i shouldn't have eaten that sushi, i was up all night health care.goving. that latest john dmi depp movie health dot.goved at the box office. you can't get health care.gov out of shag. thanks to health care, or me care, millions of americans can visit the doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

that's awesome. [ applause ] now over 8 million people have signed up for obamacare which sounds impressive until you realize ashley advertise dell has 12 million twitter followers. that's pretty good. there's a lot going on in the world. right now there's a mad man who's had plastic surgery annexing small countries in eastern europe and all i keep thinking is what the hell is bruce jenner doing in cry mi cr? you have to show a guy like putin that he is just as cry zi as he is. he invades crimea, you invade cancun. julia pearson, the new director

of the secret service is here tonight. yeah. under her leadership, secret service agents no longer consort with prostitutes thanks to their new too drunk to make it to the brothel program. i'm sure she loves that. the director of national intelligence, jam clapper is here. finally i can put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone. it was weird. and you know, to prepare for tonight, i've been watching a lot of cable news. i am a big fan of that lesbian on msnbc, chris hayes. he's great. yeah. yeah. i agree. msnbc is a confusing place. al sharpton is their skinny guy. and cnn is desperately searching for something they've been missing for months, their

dignity. totally. that was just that table. at this point, cnn is like the radio shack in a sad strip mall. you don't know how it stayed in business this long, you don't know anyone that shops there and they just fired piers morgan. thank you. fox news is the highest rated network in cable news. yeah. i can't believe your table is pushed off that far. and it's all thanks to their key demographic the corpss of old people who tuned in to fox news and haven't yet been discovered. former inside edition host bill o'reilly is not here. he did host that. bill's got another book coming out soon so he's making his ghost writers work around the

clock. bill o'reilly, meagan kelly and sean hannity are the mount rushmore of keeping people unhappy. the relationship between washington and hollywood has been a long and truthful one. in return, we bring much needed jobs to hardworking american cities like vancouver, toronto and vancouver again. hollywood helps america by projecting a heroic image to the rest of the world. we just released another movie about account captain america" or as he's know in china, captain who others us $1.1 trillion. there's a lot of celebrities here tonight. they're the ones that don't look like ghouls. look around. the cast of "veep" is here. that's a series of what would

happen if a seinfeld star actually landed on another good show. i like the new adventures of old christine. the folks from "duck dynasty" had a very challenging year. the grandfather made homophobic and racist comments. but he really hates ducks. "house of cards" has had a huge impact on washington. what a great show. i haven't seen a southern senator give a tour deforce performance like that since lindsey gram played in a streetcar named desire. lindsey, if you're here now, you can drop character at any time now. i'm not going to spoil the shocking twist on house of cards, but just know it was so surprising that nancy pelosi's face almost changed expression. did you like that one nancy?

i can't tell. all right. i'd like to congratulate jerod let to who is here tonight and to the republican senator who asked to be introduced to that, quote, hot chick from "dallas buyers club." you're in for an interesting evening. ri and russell wilson is also here from my super bowl champions seattle seahawks. pay teyton manning wanting to b here tonight but he can only move four yards at a time. he's not here to defend himself. legendary actor robert de niro is here tonight, everyone. now, i don't do a